Endometriosis and The #ENDENDOMARCH 2015

I registered for the EndEndoMarch2015 in Washington D.C today, and though it seems like something I cannot physically handle, I am telling myself, indeed, I will be able to when the time comes. I will march for myself, and those that can't. I will march for the children I wasn't able to carry in my womb. I will march for my future children, that they will not see a sick mother, not able to play or take care of them. I will march for the seventeen years of missed or incorrect diagnoses, and missed opportunities. I will march for every woman that has to have a hysterectomy at 28, like I did. 

I will march for my college years cut short; for the teaching job I had to leave. 

I will march for everything endo took from me. 

I will march for my mom, who worked her tail off with Endometriosis growing inside; three jobs, including taking care of three growing girls. 

I have been trying to find the words to explain my frustration with this disease and those that deny how entirely heartbreaking it is. Because of the way I was raised, (by a Vietnam Veteran. A Marine, no less), I have a tendency to hide the pain I feel. I know a lot of chronic pain sufferers do the same. 

Please say that you will just listen. That is all we really need. Let me cry. 

There is struggle with it, that effects the WHOLE body, not just reproductive organs. 

Extremely painful. Yet I have those that doubt me, and my strength. You have no idea. 

It is. If it isn't the cramps, it is body pain. It is the fight to get your physical strength back that the cramps depleted. It is the lack of sleep, trying to function while in a pain fog. It is the pain of losing friends and partners that do not understand or support our diagnosis. 

This was one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite episodes of Buffy. You cannot get stuck in the pain cycle, instead we must find hope and LIVE. Find answers. Find support and reach out when you are feeling alone, scared, frustrated, at your wits end. It is in this way that we will heal ourselves and others.  

Call me selfish, but I am marching for me. For all that I have been through the last sixteen years. 

For the doctors that want to help. I want to find a cure, a cause of this disease. I don't want anyone else dismissed, or made to feel less than. I don't want any other woman to feel the crushing loneliness I did, or still do. I don't want anyone else forced into choosing to conceive or have a total hysterectomy, like either will be the cure. THERE IS NO CURE. 

Please show your support. 

If you cannot make it to the march, consider wearing yellow for your endosister, your friend, mother, sister, or woman you never met. Consider wearing yellow for us. 

More info here : Why We March

More info on EndoMarch

Basic Info on Endometriosis

Of Labels And Identity

Of labels and identity
   'I am' is a powerful statement. 'I am'/'you are' can explain and label a variety of things, including emotions, vocations, lineage and culture, ailments, etc. But, simply saying “I am’ without the need of anything else taps into your true self, the Divine soul expressed inside. Because all those things describe your physical body, and often limit you as a infinitely beautiful soul.

These labels often get confused with our sense of self, of restrict us from learning about our potential entirely. 

    

 Also, consider the labels others use to describe you.. Do you come to accept them as part of yourself, without really examining them, or even realizing that they are just that person’s limited point of view, as dictated by their life’s experiences, beliefs, upbringing, etc? 

What happens when you are no longer what you've come to identify with? Do you experience the crisis of identity? Is it possible for you to move on from that and grow into your being, or do you hopelessly hold onto that label. Causing yourself stress and anxiety? 

Here, I express the labels I've heard about myself, or those that I've given myself for years, the stories attached to them, and those that hindered my growth. 

When we strip away all of these words, we are bare and  more vulnerable. It can be scary, but also liberating. And When we remove the labels we give others, we are forced to really ’see’ them just as they are.  Without preconceived notions, judgments, boxes, or labels. 

                      Open your eyes. See with your heart.

I am/not

  

( Not to be confused with ‘‘Is/not”, written by the brilliant Margaret Atwood )

I am

Water of the streams

Particle of the stars

Breath of the Divine

Roots in the Earth

Fire in my belly

                         I am

I am not:

Lazy, broken, or incomplete

I am not half of a whole

A doormat, 

Without purpose or drive or focus

I am:

 woven in the blanket of my ancestors

Your ancestors

A fine thread indeed

connected in this great web of life

A living expression of the Goddess and God
   I am

I am not:

Too Sensitive

Unworthy of respect or care or kindness 

Nor am I a sinner, or savior, nor needing saved

I will not go elsewhere to ‘find myself’

I am not lost

  I am right here

                     I am

I am the morning dew

The willow leaves

The evening fog

The comfort of the campfire

Breath of  Gaia

            I AM

     

I am
shining stardust
         I am

More than you percieve
I am
a river of emotion
I am
the dance of the Divine

                

                 I am

Backwards thoughts, Future Tense

I've been doing things a little backwards. Instead of writing my thoughts, and getting them out of my head, I've been letting them sit and stew. Or, I just ignore them completely. I know better. I'm not going to experience any healing, or work through anything without the process. I lost two of the most important people in my life last May. My grandparents both passed, and I was in shock for a long time. It isn't like me to ignore my emotions, or not to work through things; being someone with chronic health issues, I rarely have the choice. Holding things in equals pain. For me, it manifests with migraines or fibro flares. More than usual. I do so much to improve my health, but my mental health is just as crucial. So, expect me here more often, spilling my thoughts into the internet. As if there isn't enough people doing that.