All of my Loves

I go to Polyvore and Pinterest on low spoon days.(see bottom if you do not know what I am referring to) This way I can still be creative, and share ideas with others. On Polyvore, I like to create sets I would actually wear in real life. There's no heels in my current life; pants and bottoms tend to be loose fitting. Case in point, the harem pants. They don't put pressure on my abdomen and hips, which is great! Comfort is key, so maxi skirts, hoodies, etc. I have worn sarees on special occasions, so that's totally justified in my collections. I am extremely passionate about dance. I began learning around five yrs of age, and never wanted to stop, even when my parents couldn't afford lessons anymore. One of my biggest heartbreaks when I started getting sick was not being able to dance anymore. Endometriosis and Interstitial Cystitis took over my body and life; It took years before I started to dance again. It is the fire in me. Whether others think I am talented or any good, it really doesn't matter. I honestly feel the spirit move through me. A connection to all things. I am determined to learn Kathak and Bharatnatyam, two of the eight classical dances in India. (represented by the gungroo (dancing bells) and statue of Nataraja) Hailing from the North and South, respectively. More about my love of India another day! My desire for travel and adventure is represented by the photo of the open road. So many places on my bucket list! How would you define me, with just the images below? It all boils down to living with an open heart and mind for me. By the way, If it looks like I cannot separate my paragraphs, it's because my blog hates me today. No, really. Maybe it's the link from Polyvore?? Who knows.

All my Loves by willowsong81 featuring bronze bookends

"Spoons as illustrated in the Spoon theory http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ This literally changed my life

In Case You Missed it...

In case anyone missed it...

If you're not familiar with the work of Ms.Jenna, she happens to cuss now and again. But, the message remains very powerful. I completely agree, even if I have trouble being my authentic self. I recognize that it's a process, and am not exactly at the point of awesomeness that Ms. Marbles. And that's ok. BUT, I am further along, and that much closer to finding the real me.

Surprisingly enough, it was going through the extremely difficult times at the onset of  illnesses that I had the most growth. I started to see the friends who only appreciated my skinny, blonde, healthy, party-girl persona, and the ones who could care less if I was in sweats.  Even the family members who were using me for their own selfish ends; the ones I was no longer able to do favors for. 

It has been a very painful (in more ways than one) decade. Following almost as equally painful teen years. However, it was not in vain. I am proud of me for still standing. Or hunching over in pain. Whatever. 

She makes a brilliant point about it being lonely being yourself and not listening to others. I know for a fact that I am unique, just as you are, but if I had stayed with a particular group of friends, I would not be the super-amazing chic I am today. Or follow my passions and dreams. For instance, I can't count the times others have made fun of me for wearing mehndi or bindis , listening to Hindi music, having purple hair, etc. Someone will always have an issue with something you do. There will be someone that doesn't understand. I am not harming anyone. I do not use aspects of other cultures for my own gain or because I think it's "cool" or "trendy." On the contrary, I tend to gravitate toward things that is against the grain. Especially for my b.f.e town.  

She also brought up a another good point. Being your complete self assures you that the people that do love and care for you, love the real you! It comforts me to know the people I surround myself with, and actually let see glimpses of the real me, really love me for who I am. 

In the Light of Darkness

    In the Light of Darkness

She walked through the field alone,
She stretched and Shook the stardust and dreams from her flowing hair,
 Uncertain of the path before her.
It was barely visible; the weeds and weather had covered what was once a clear trail.
She looked back at her  past self, and all the obstacles she had faced thus far.
‘poor thing,’ she muttered, ‘so bruised and beaten. It’s a wonder she made it as far as she did.’
Then she felt the Goddess speaking from inside. From her heart? Her mind? She wasn't sure which.
  “Tell her. Tell her how proud you are of her for carrying you as far as she did. Assure her that she did the best she could with what she had. Tell her she is, was, and always has been beautiful, radiant, smart, special, and talented...just the way she was. Tell her I never left her side. Speak honestly. Speak frankly, but be gentle. She has been through so much. She needs to hear it.” 
   She gazed up ahead, through the fields of flowers and brush. She rested her eyes on an endless ocean, kissed by the milk-dipped moon. And here is what she said--
 “ I am so proud of you for all that you have done. You've been through so much, and I know it was part of your path. You got me to where I am today, and I am thankful. You are beautiful, little one. Inside and out. It pains me that you never saw it,” she choked back tears as she continued, “I wish you didn't let others make you feel unwanted or not good enough. There were those that liked, even loved you for you. We have that now. It might not be who you wanted, but it’s who we need. Please don’t be sad, or feel ashamed. For anything you've done. I know now. I understand.” She kept her gaze steady on that reflection of the moon. Focusing on its quiet, receptive energy, she poured her heart to the weary traveler behind her.
“I know the pain you've felt, and the loneliness. I don’t know how you did it. I don’t always know how I will get through it myself. But you did, and I will. Just please, don’t ever think of yourself as weak. I know many that haven’t made it as far as you have, and could survive all you did. You are such an amazing person. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. We need to let those things go now. Let the waves wash over us, and carry away the sadness, anger, and hurt.”
  She turned on her heels then and faced her former self. At that moment, other versions of her past self stepped from the shadows. She tilted her head, as if listening for more guidance, but nothing came. In an instant, grasped them by the hand, indicating for them to form a chain. No longer dusk, she led their way through the darkness of night, with only the moon to guide her. Once, twice she stumbled over rocks and brush. Her long, flowing skirt got caught in the thorns, but still she pressed on until they reached the sleepy ocean.
  Once they arrived, she finally let go of their hands. She motioned for them to sit along the shore as one, letting the waves tickle their feet. She heard giggles from her youngest self. Her teenage self was crying; surely a release of emotion. She watched the sickly one dance in tide-pools, and another curl up and let the waves wash over her bruised shell. Soon, all of them were shining with the light of the moon. The bruises were gone. The tears washed away. The hate, pain, sadness, and anger had dissipated with each crashing wave.
Satisfied, the woman walked out as far as her legs could reach the sandy depths, and plunged head first into the healing waters. And she smiled.

Inbetween

  

Inbetween


Inbetween- where you will find the fairies,
the mermaids, the dryads.
And this is where you will find her.
Is she a changeling, you ask?
Was she switched at birth, so a human child could be taken,
To the thinnest veil of existence?

She is so often between worlds, times, places, faces, and feelings.
A human body with a restless spirit,
Not of this world,
But a world between.

Hope and heart, Mind and soul,
Have little meaning when you put force to them.
Can someone truly understand a spirit such as hers?
To dance in the palest moonlight, and sings songs to the trees.
To whisper secrets to the streams, and delight at the humming of bees.

Inbetween what she once was, and who she is,
Between love and fear,
Girl and woman,
Free and shackled.

Hope and heart
Mind and soul
Have little meaning when you force them
Or When you take them separately.
She demands and admires respect.
Ask for permission, and share in the beauty of it all.
For this is the way of her kindred,
And the spirits inbetween.

Thirty-Something Crone

Thirty-Something Crone

 A woman goes through three stages in her life-Maiden, Mother, and Crone. The maiden is the young girl, waxing toward maturity. The mother is obvious, akin to the full moon. Full of love and pregnant with life. The crone, matured and absolved of her motherly duties, and void of the 'moon cycle.' So, what happens when a woman matures to the Mother stage, but her body is unable to give life? She mothers herself. At least, for the time being...

   I bounced seamlessly between girly-girl and tomboy as a child. I would ride my mini quad through puddles in the morning, then play dolls in the afternoon. It never occurred to me that I need to choose. My best friend and neighbor at the time was a very girly-girl. One of our favorite things to do was play house with our Cabbage Patches. Having been the daughter of a Marine, I never was one to half-ass anything. So, in my mind, that meant having a 'wedding' with a boy in the neighborhood first. Come to think of it, I think we are still married...

     After the very short ceremony (we were five years of age, with limited attention spans), best friend and I simulated being pregnant by stuffing pillows up our shirts. No, we had no idea how they got there, if that's what you're wondering. Then, as if by magic, we had a little swaddled bundle of Xavier Roberts joy. If only real life was that easy.

   
     It never occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to have my own children. As I said, I am the proud daughter of a Marine Vet, and as such, a used to be somewhat of a control freak. A planner. I always planned to finish school, attend college, get married and start a family young. But, that was not to be.  Did I not mention I had a total hysterectomy a year and a half ago due to severe Endometriosis at 29yrs old? Yea, there's that. 
     I used to catch myself gently caressing my scarred belly, like I did as a child pretending to be expecting. Why? I detached myself from that part of my body, all dissembled and broken. I caressed it, as if I felt sorry for it, and what it had went through. I regretted having to put my body through such an ordeal. I am sitting here with hot flashes as I write this. Thank you, menopause. 
   No, not everyone that reaches the 'mother' stage will choose to be a mother to a child. I fully support her decision. It's the fact that I always planned that, and until the choice was taken away, I never knew how much I really wanted it. I obsessed over the Celtic view of the three stages for months...What was I? Where did I fit in? I hasten to mention all of my health issues, and refrain from making it THAT blog. But, it's true. I have been dealing with quite a few serious health issues, and barely unable to care for myself at times. Stage IV Endometriosis, Painful Bladder Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Adhesion Disorder, just to name a few. It was all of these that forced the hyster hand.
     So for now, I'll follow in the footsteps of my heroine, Gloria Steinem, and mother myself. And my two dogs. For me, it's about accepting my body and its limitations. And gifts. As for the triad, I guess I have qualities of all three. For the maiden, I love some cartoons too much, and am still scared of thunderstorms. One of my closest friends is about 17yrs old. The crone in me is very knowledgeable about my health conditions and tries to accept new information, surgeries, etc as they come. She tries to listen to the body and its needs. I started researching adoption, for when the time comes. But, I still cannot go past the baby section of a store without pausing, or attend a baby shower. So don't ask. Just because I was not actively trying to conceive doesn't mean I don't have moments where I completely break down. Did that sound angry? I'm sorry, I'm working on that. 
   I just wonder if I am the only one struggling with my body's limitations and the choices I need to make in order to better my health. I can't be the only one that feels betrayed in some way. The hyster didn't cure the symptoms, by the way. I suppose it didn't hurt, though. I know carrying a child would have made my symptoms worse, and I couldn't stand the heartbreak of finding out that I passed these genes to my daughter. I can't imagine the complications and risks of someone like me.  I know there are many brave women that chose and were able to have a child amidst all sorts of complications and syndromes, but I accept that is not my path. 
 Final thought, I have not let go of the dream of having a child. It just won't be as I always pictured it. All  of the pain, surgeries, scans, and tests have just made me stronger and more self aware. My mom says that not everyone is equipped to handle what I've gone through. She says that not everyone can accept and deal with the difficult process of adoption or uncertainty of fostering. But, that's what the health issues have prepared me for. Difficulty and uncertainty. And then the Crone comes in with acceptance and peace. 
    
 Brightest Blessings, and see you soon...