Thirty-Something Crone

Thirty-Something Crone

 A woman goes through three stages in her life-Maiden, Mother, and Crone. The maiden is the young girl, waxing toward maturity. The mother is obvious, akin to the full moon. Full of love and pregnant with life. The crone, matured and absolved of her motherly duties, and void of the 'moon cycle.' So, what happens when a woman matures to the Mother stage, but her body is unable to give life? She mothers herself. At least, for the time being...

   I bounced seamlessly between girly-girl and tomboy as a child. I would ride my mini quad through puddles in the morning, then play dolls in the afternoon. It never occurred to me that I need to choose. My best friend and neighbor at the time was a very girly-girl. One of our favorite things to do was play house with our Cabbage Patches. Having been the daughter of a Marine, I never was one to half-ass anything. So, in my mind, that meant having a 'wedding' with a boy in the neighborhood first. Come to think of it, I think we are still married...

     After the very short ceremony (we were five years of age, with limited attention spans), best friend and I simulated being pregnant by stuffing pillows up our shirts. No, we had no idea how they got there, if that's what you're wondering. Then, as if by magic, we had a little swaddled bundle of Xavier Roberts joy. If only real life was that easy.

   
     It never occurred to me that I wouldn't be able to have my own children. As I said, I am the proud daughter of a Marine Vet, and as such, a used to be somewhat of a control freak. A planner. I always planned to finish school, attend college, get married and start a family young. But, that was not to be.  Did I not mention I had a total hysterectomy a year and a half ago due to severe Endometriosis at 29yrs old? Yea, there's that. 
     I used to catch myself gently caressing my scarred belly, like I did as a child pretending to be expecting. Why? I detached myself from that part of my body, all dissembled and broken. I caressed it, as if I felt sorry for it, and what it had went through. I regretted having to put my body through such an ordeal. I am sitting here with hot flashes as I write this. Thank you, menopause. 
   No, not everyone that reaches the 'mother' stage will choose to be a mother to a child. I fully support her decision. It's the fact that I always planned that, and until the choice was taken away, I never knew how much I really wanted it. I obsessed over the Celtic view of the three stages for months...What was I? Where did I fit in? I hasten to mention all of my health issues, and refrain from making it THAT blog. But, it's true. I have been dealing with quite a few serious health issues, and barely unable to care for myself at times. Stage IV Endometriosis, Painful Bladder Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Adhesion Disorder, just to name a few. It was all of these that forced the hyster hand.
     So for now, I'll follow in the footsteps of my heroine, Gloria Steinem, and mother myself. And my two dogs. For me, it's about accepting my body and its limitations. And gifts. As for the triad, I guess I have qualities of all three. For the maiden, I love some cartoons too much, and am still scared of thunderstorms. One of my closest friends is about 17yrs old. The crone in me is very knowledgeable about my health conditions and tries to accept new information, surgeries, etc as they come. She tries to listen to the body and its needs. I started researching adoption, for when the time comes. But, I still cannot go past the baby section of a store without pausing, or attend a baby shower. So don't ask. Just because I was not actively trying to conceive doesn't mean I don't have moments where I completely break down. Did that sound angry? I'm sorry, I'm working on that. 
   I just wonder if I am the only one struggling with my body's limitations and the choices I need to make in order to better my health. I can't be the only one that feels betrayed in some way. The hyster didn't cure the symptoms, by the way. I suppose it didn't hurt, though. I know carrying a child would have made my symptoms worse, and I couldn't stand the heartbreak of finding out that I passed these genes to my daughter. I can't imagine the complications and risks of someone like me.  I know there are many brave women that chose and were able to have a child amidst all sorts of complications and syndromes, but I accept that is not my path. 
 Final thought, I have not let go of the dream of having a child. It just won't be as I always pictured it. All  of the pain, surgeries, scans, and tests have just made me stronger and more self aware. My mom says that not everyone is equipped to handle what I've gone through. She says that not everyone can accept and deal with the difficult process of adoption or uncertainty of fostering. But, that's what the health issues have prepared me for. Difficulty and uncertainty. And then the Crone comes in with acceptance and peace. 
    
 Brightest Blessings, and see you soon...