In Case You Missed it...

In case anyone missed it...

If you're not familiar with the work of Ms.Jenna, she happens to cuss now and again. But, the message remains very powerful. I completely agree, even if I have trouble being my authentic self. I recognize that it's a process, and am not exactly at the point of awesomeness that Ms. Marbles. And that's ok. BUT, I am further along, and that much closer to finding the real me.

Surprisingly enough, it was going through the extremely difficult times at the onset of  illnesses that I had the most growth. I started to see the friends who only appreciated my skinny, blonde, healthy, party-girl persona, and the ones who could care less if I was in sweats.  Even the family members who were using me for their own selfish ends; the ones I was no longer able to do favors for. 

It has been a very painful (in more ways than one) decade. Following almost as equally painful teen years. However, it was not in vain. I am proud of me for still standing. Or hunching over in pain. Whatever. 

She makes a brilliant point about it being lonely being yourself and not listening to others. I know for a fact that I am unique, just as you are, but if I had stayed with a particular group of friends, I would not be the super-amazing chic I am today. Or follow my passions and dreams. For instance, I can't count the times others have made fun of me for wearing mehndi or bindis , listening to Hindi music, having purple hair, etc. Someone will always have an issue with something you do. There will be someone that doesn't understand. I am not harming anyone. I do not use aspects of other cultures for my own gain or because I think it's "cool" or "trendy." On the contrary, I tend to gravitate toward things that is against the grain. Especially for my b.f.e town.  

She also brought up a another good point. Being your complete self assures you that the people that do love and care for you, love the real you! It comforts me to know the people I surround myself with, and actually let see glimpses of the real me, really love me for who I am. 

In the Light of Darkness

    In the Light of Darkness

She walked through the field alone,
She stretched and Shook the stardust and dreams from her flowing hair,
 Uncertain of the path before her.
It was barely visible; the weeds and weather had covered what was once a clear trail.
She looked back at her  past self, and all the obstacles she had faced thus far.
‘poor thing,’ she muttered, ‘so bruised and beaten. It’s a wonder she made it as far as she did.’
Then she felt the Goddess speaking from inside. From her heart? Her mind? She wasn't sure which.
  “Tell her. Tell her how proud you are of her for carrying you as far as she did. Assure her that she did the best she could with what she had. Tell her she is, was, and always has been beautiful, radiant, smart, special, and talented...just the way she was. Tell her I never left her side. Speak honestly. Speak frankly, but be gentle. She has been through so much. She needs to hear it.” 
   She gazed up ahead, through the fields of flowers and brush. She rested her eyes on an endless ocean, kissed by the milk-dipped moon. And here is what she said--
 “ I am so proud of you for all that you have done. You've been through so much, and I know it was part of your path. You got me to where I am today, and I am thankful. You are beautiful, little one. Inside and out. It pains me that you never saw it,” she choked back tears as she continued, “I wish you didn't let others make you feel unwanted or not good enough. There were those that liked, even loved you for you. We have that now. It might not be who you wanted, but it’s who we need. Please don’t be sad, or feel ashamed. For anything you've done. I know now. I understand.” She kept her gaze steady on that reflection of the moon. Focusing on its quiet, receptive energy, she poured her heart to the weary traveler behind her.
“I know the pain you've felt, and the loneliness. I don’t know how you did it. I don’t always know how I will get through it myself. But you did, and I will. Just please, don’t ever think of yourself as weak. I know many that haven’t made it as far as you have, and could survive all you did. You are such an amazing person. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. We need to let those things go now. Let the waves wash over us, and carry away the sadness, anger, and hurt.”
  She turned on her heels then and faced her former self. At that moment, other versions of her past self stepped from the shadows. She tilted her head, as if listening for more guidance, but nothing came. In an instant, grasped them by the hand, indicating for them to form a chain. No longer dusk, she led their way through the darkness of night, with only the moon to guide her. Once, twice she stumbled over rocks and brush. Her long, flowing skirt got caught in the thorns, but still she pressed on until they reached the sleepy ocean.
  Once they arrived, she finally let go of their hands. She motioned for them to sit along the shore as one, letting the waves tickle their feet. She heard giggles from her youngest self. Her teenage self was crying; surely a release of emotion. She watched the sickly one dance in tide-pools, and another curl up and let the waves wash over her bruised shell. Soon, all of them were shining with the light of the moon. The bruises were gone. The tears washed away. The hate, pain, sadness, and anger had dissipated with each crashing wave.
Satisfied, the woman walked out as far as her legs could reach the sandy depths, and plunged head first into the healing waters. And she smiled.